ooOOOogh i'm feeling woozy. between everything goin' on, learning my mum was close to kickin' me out AND having my "will-i-won't-i-get-hormones" appointment tomorrow i'm gettin' kinda shaky. there's parts of me that wanna withdraw in doubt, like nah actually i've been lying for 11 years let's not transition but i'm PRETTY sure that's just me still treating hiding & stillness as "safety" as if i haven't spent said 11 years in an existential agony. hormones good we want hormones. we want to be out as male so life can start!!! but oh dog the pressure. the pressure. the pressure. THE PRESSURE

07/10/24

ok so obviously i've been havin' lots of fun with coding lately but i have also fallen back on using tumblr as somethin' to look at when i'm idling and uggggh. uuuuuughhhh. i miss cohost so bad. every other post is doom or discourse or ableism and even cute videos of dogs have shit like "evil bitch" written under them because the woman filming didnt pet the dog or whatever. like the venom is everywhere, i try and cater my dash but every blog has its own shit going on!!!

03/10/24

eggbug asnooze... sleep well, noble website

01/10/24

GO! EMBRACE TOMORROW! YOU WILL BE WAITING THERE! AND SO WILL I

30/09/24

i already said a thing BUT I FEEL LIKE SAYING MORE we've hit hyperactive episode which aren't that common anymore but FUCk theyre good

cohost came at the absolute perfect time for me. i'd just got hard burned in art spaces over a comfort of mine and the autism part of me exploded - art & a major special interest felt out of reach and it was like all my comforts were slipping through my fingers. i realized i had a dogawful relationship with the internet and i let everyone & everything cut deep into my skin 'cause were so angry it made me angry! i'm a pack animal! ooh what we doing what we doing we biting eachother ooh let me bite peoiple AUUAURAAHAUARURURAURU

BUT COHOST... was calm... people and critters there WANTED to be different and they made an effort to make it so. numbers weren't all up in my face and filtering just WORKED and i could breathe and churn through all the weird feelings that'd been put on me in an already-stressful IRL time

cohost helped me fund my dog's surgery. she's still with us because of that place!!

i posted about pigs without ONE SINGULAR COMMENT about bacon!!!

in hindsight maybe i could've posted about my special interests. maybe people wouldn't have been all fandom-y weird around there and made me feel uncomfortable or inferior or weirdly unloved. who knows! point is cohost was a nice place to be

SO! in the mindset of being nice and making a nice place, here's what i got in me for everybody moving forward now my brain is temporarily NOT A SLUDGE:

• LOVE EACHOTHER!!!!!!! LOVE WILL SAVE US AND KEEP THIS FIERCE AND BEAUTIFUL WORLD FREE!!!!! our thoughts and dreams and hearts and hopes have everlasting power becuase only the deepest love can change a life and a world maybe. love makes beautiful things even in the hardest, lowest, chokingly gloomiest times

• THE MIND IS A STRANGE UNIVERSE. the things you feel, you feel for a reason. let yourself feel them and be messy and tricky and hard-to-understand!!! growing up, i've found, is learning that every little thing is gonna twist in over itself forever and ever. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU HARD TO LOVE. it just means you're alive!!!!!!

• WE HAVE NOT YET SEEN TOMORROW. but tomorrow will always come. tomorrow will always come! LAST UNTIL TOMORROW, A NEW YOU WILL BE WAITING THERE!!!

• REMEMBER TO DANCE!!!!!! REMEMBER TO LAUGH AS LOUD AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!

30/09/24

i don't have a biglong ramble for the end of cohost, i've just got my usual thing of sayin' whatever the hell. it probably comes as no surprise to anybody that the last few years have been really rough on me & it brings me no joy to say at least half my use of the site was venting and processing emotions publicly

but, like. i felt safe doin' that, and i felt other people could respect me and themselves about it. cohost was so good at straining out all the things that made other sites unbearable to me & so i never really saw anything i didn't wanna see

it was nice being there. it was warm & cozy & social and i felt like i was connecting to people instead of building an audience. when i said things it wasn't some call to arms or contest, we all just chilled in the same lounge and showed eachother cool shit and shared moments and advice. and so many pigs.

i liked the webbed site. i'm sad it's going. i've never felt so relaxed on a social media EVEN WHILE breaking down semifrequently. i'm just kinda sorry i never got around to being a warm presence - i wanted to bring people up!

(but again thats my own issue... i used to draw in buddies constantly bein' upbeat and high energy and positive. since The Depression started that's slowed down so i get self conches. i just hope we all make it. lets all make it. ive decided we gotta make it!)

30/09/24

the final day of cohost is upon us and i'm so not ready.

30/09/24

having my front page loudly declare i'm unashamed of loving lego & then hiding all my lego related pages feels weird but my special/defensive interests are kinda difficult to navigate. in fact there's somethin' i hold even closer to my heart that i barely ever mention to people just because it's so special to me and who i am

like... this is such an autistic thing i do but it's easy to feel alone about it. most people share their favourite things so easily. maybe someday i'll write up a journal about my experiences loving things so deeply they're difficult to share with others 'cause i'd love to be able to express myself and not have it be mistaken for gatekeeping

28/09/24

to be honest my troubles with being seen are probably a close mirror to the way i've made myself comfortable in hiding. well, kinda-comfortable. you spend long enough in the closet and behind a mask, publicly pretending to be a whole other person (& getting no real practice at actually being yourself), you gotta convince yourself it's cozy and safe else you'll go completely insane. but... now i'm just not very good at being me!

i've even been having doubts about transition, which is stupid bc i've identified as trans for 11 years now and had a "boy persona" since i was 12. i think it's just the rapidly-approaching challenge of having to fill my own shoes that scares me

the only person who can make me real is me! aaaurrgghhh!

26/09/24

tentatively skittering around to give some people my neocities... being seen is hard but we all gotta do it. need time in the sunshine to grow.

26/09/24

went to update this page and saw "add butterfinger to dimmadelphia" and said it so loud automatically (and for some reason didnt stop saying it) that i had to put my hand over my own mouthg

26/09/24

plugged away super hard at my skylanders page and now it has downloads!! i'm hosting fun things i made for other people to enjoy yay!!! plus i gave each of my texture mods a little story-scroll-like blurb, best read in master eon's voice if you check it out :3

26/09/24

part of me is regretting not setting up a proper blog with RSS and little themed emoticons for different topics and all that. but also i have ADHD and i dunno how well i'd be able to maintain an actual meaningful blog. there's a reason i always leaned more towards microblogging even if the systems of the sites churned my brain into a goo.

whatever though, right? my site my rules, and i can always make shit later if i feel like it. for now this'll be a nice place to throw out updates and channel some feelings. maybe i'll even get to talk about my transition!

25/09/24

i dunno, i'll sleep on it. don't even know how much use this page'll get.

25/09/24

but what if eggbug colours

25/09/24

thinkin' out of all my pages here on neocities my blog should be like, actually accessible for people checking in on what i'm up to. gonna test my coding skills and see what i can do! not sure about the colour scheme though... i love bright colours.

25/09/24

moving away from cohost is gonna be really hard. blogging ain't the same without the homies, but nothing about bluesky or mastodon or any similar websites appeal to me. they seem like they'll just make me the same kinda mad that twitter used to make me. and tumblr has really become a shitshow between the transphobic staff and the non-stop ableismposting that's all the rage right now. every time i've tried to go back i've seen some "isn't it so funny that some autistics are unsocialized? lets take the piss" kind of shit

sighs. dogspeed eggbug, you were too good for us.

25/09/24

u can never search specific moments from shows anymore like a specific clip u want all u get is "17 minuytes of peter griffin being a sadorable relateable muffin" and if you click on it you change the entire ecosystem of your youtube feed like terraforming a grassland with a highly invasive bug

24/09/24

DONT MESS WITH GIGANTIC FANS WE WILL QUEUE 15 MINUTES FOR AN ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT MATCH AND LIKE IT!

24/09/24

hopefully i'll make poasts here

24/09/24